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About Me Member Pseudo-Intellectual Erica21/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 2 Years
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Unclear.

Mon Jan 25, 2010, 12:51 PM
  • Mood: Questionable
  • Listening to: bigcitydreams -- nevershoutnever!
  • Reading: Under The Dome -- Stephen King
So, time is an incredibly fickle asshole, and if I could, I'd kick him in the balls. End of story. But I can't, so I'm left whining about 'him'.

It feels as though I've wasted a giant portion of my life on getting to know people who only, in the end, bring me irritation, anger, grief, betrayal or enhance my cynicism... or some combination.

In the past six months, my boyfriend, who I bent over backwards to help, robbed me and disappeared. A very close friend of mine died, leaving her husband and her two small children (and me) to cope with her absence. My best friend in the world turned out to be a pathological liar and almost ruined a mutual friend's career. And this is only recently. The pattern seems to repeat itself over and over in my life.

So, here's my question: Do I keep trying to get close to people? Even if I know that in all likelihood, they will hurt me more than they will enhance my life? And really, do I have a choice? Because as much as I try to put up walls to keep myself safe, they don't work. They crumble. I need an engineer to build them, because engineer I am not. I can't seem to control my level of involvement with people, friends and otherwise. I can't prevent myself from caring about people. I can't stamp down my inevitable desire to help people. But I want to.

If compassion had a switch, I would turn mine off. But would that be in my best interest? Maybe, although seeing it now isn't likely, maybe there has been some underlying bit of information that I could take away from these situations and use to improve myself, but right now I don't see it. I want to believe that there is meaning or wisdom to be gathered from events such as these, but I can't.

And I am so tired of asking myself these kinds of questions. I am so tired of living with the fear that people are going to hurt me. I am so tired of trusting when I shouldn't and rejecting when I should trust. I am so tired of waiting to live the kind of life I want to live. I am so tired of dragging myself out of the muck of reality, only to fall back in. I want to live. I want to believe. I want to thrive. But I am so fucking tired.

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Devious Info

  • Current Residence: Philadelphia
  • Interests: Writing, art, music, frivolity, sunshine, chaos
  • Favourite movie: Personal Effects, Almost Famous, Garden State, The Prestige, The Breakfast Club
  • Favourite genre of music: Anything and everything for the most part.
  • Favourite poet or writer: Poe, Tennyson, Byron, Hemingway, Salinger, Sarah Dunant, Dr. Suess
  • Favourite style of art: Badass?? Is that a style?
  • MP3 player of choice: Creative Zen
  • Shell of choice: Conch
  • Skin of choice: Moisturized
  • Favourite game: Blokus, Scrabble
  • Favourite cartoon character: Kermit
  • Personal Quote: Speak clearly, but don't take it for granted when people actually understand.
  • Tools of the Trade: My slightly crazed mind.

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Comments


:iconhi-teq:
thx for the fav!

resubmit: [link]

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/dance
:iconsightless-insight:
[link]
You really should look at this. It's a poetry contest my english teacher referred me to.

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Words from a person
:iconarrestingromancer:
Thanks. I checked out the site and it's only for students grades K-12 and I'm in college, but I appreciate the thought.

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"Poetry is thoughts that breathe and words that burn." -Thomas Gray
:iconsightless-insight:
oh :) whoops. lol.
Yw. I still think you should find something to enter your work in.

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Nickles have interesting lives.
:iconsightless-insight:
Dang. Ur an awesome writer!
-adds to watch-
:D lol

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You'd have to be crazy
To love me
And I'm determined
to drive you insane!

You'd better watch out... X3
:iconarrestingromancer:
Thanks! I appreciate it.

--
"Poetry is thoughts that breathe and words that burn." -Thomas Gray
:iconmaniacal-mediocrity:
i must call!!! :D

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and you will weep when you face the end alone
:iconmaniacal-mediocrity:
O O
you seem to still be alive! : D

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and you will weep when you face the end alone
:iconarrestingromancer:
I am most certainly alive. And I'm coming to Cincy for a week from Sept. 16th through the 22nd. We absolutely HAVE to hang out. You haven't seen my tattoo yet and I miss you more than anything... except maybe my car... HAHA! Just kidding. Give me a ring! If you don't know my cell, it's on facebook! LOVE!

--
"Poetry is thoughts that breathe and words that burn." -Thomas Gray
:iconb1gfan:
You search your feelings deeply and well in your poetry :D

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